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So it’s been awhile. Ever since Bakefest 2016 at the beginning of July, we had to play the “we’re moving, so everything in the pantry must GO” game and I had nothing to bake. I’ve literally never had so much ramen in so many different ways before in my life. I cringe every time I hear a crinkle wrapper opening. Too soon. But now that we’ve settled into our long-term temporary abode (this is not an oxymoron if you’re in the military) in the actual Land of Enchantment portion of New Mexico, I finally had the chance to go grocery shopping and NOT at a Walmart. You know you’ve been outside of civilization for too long when entering a real grocery store makes you so happy you almost cry. I’ve gone from no Targets to THREE. I’ve gone from no Chickfila to one that is two minutes away. I’ve gone from cow poo smell and desolate wasteland (think Mad Max) to mid afternoon rain and mountains. I’m, dare I say, happy. Aside from the soul-crushing fact that Blue Bell ice cream is absent from Albuquerque. Call me Icarus, thinking I could fly that close to the sun and have it all. Well, I may not be able to have Blue Bell until November, but dammit, I can still bake.

Where there’s an oven, there’s a Kate.

These little beauties are blueberry crumble bars. Not to be confused with blueberry cobbler because blueberry crumble bars are a handheld item. This is really one of the only differences, I suppose. But I’ve always wondered if there was any way to have cobbler like everywhere and anywhere I go, so I’ve solved a longstanding personal problem with this recipe. These can work excellently for brunch or as a dessert. You can top them with ice cream to make them absolutely divine, but people might judge you if you starting eating ice cream at 10:30 a.m. …and yet they’re perfectly okay with you getting loaded on champagne. It’s a fickle world we live in, people.

New kitchen, same crappy photos!

It takes longer for these bars to bake than it does to pretty much quite literally throw them together. I actually had to go out and buy most of my ingredients since we showed up to our townhouse with a box full of cereal and pretty much nothing else in the way of food, but you’ve probably got most of what you need. Gather up:

• 3 cups of flour
• 1 1/2 cups of sugar, divided
• 1 tsp of baking powder
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• 1 cup of butter (COLD)
• 1 egg
• Fresh blueberries (I used 1 lb, feel free to use 2 for extra goodness)
• 1 heaping tablespoon of cornstarch
• 3 tablespoons of lemon juice

Start by greasing an 8×11 or 9×13 pan and preheating the oven to 375. Fun fact! Our new place has a gas oven/stove, and I forgot that it always smells like the house might explode when you cook with them. Good times.

It kind of looks like cornbread at this point.

 In one bowl, mix the flour, 1 cup of sugar, baking powder, and salt together. Cut the butter into small pieces and then use two forks to incorporate the butter. This is a really obnoxious process, but our furnished place didn’t come with a pastry cutter (I know, right? Don’t they know who I am?). Add in the egg and blend…things will be very thick and kinda crumbly…hence the name “crumble” bar. 

You missed my smartassery.

Press half the batter into the bottom of your greased dish. I used an 8×11 dish (because it was all our house came with. Recurring themes…). But this yields really thick bars, and I like more dessert for the punch. If you use a 9×13 pan, you’ll probably need to use 3/4 of the batter but the bars will be thinner.

If you eat enough blueberries, will your skin turn blue? These are my deep thoughts.

Take your remaining half a cup of sugar, the cornstarch, and the lemon juice and whip into a thick paste. Fold in the blueberries and really make sure they all get coated.

But like, how many blueberries would it actually take to turn your skin blue?

Dump your blueberry mix on top of the batter mix. Use a spoon to even out the blueberries. You’re gonna want an even distribution of crust to berry. Trust me. I’m a professional. Or something.

Can you get blueberry poisoning? Because that would probably happen before your skin turned blue.

Take the remaining batter mix and press it on top of the blueberry layer. I honestly had a handful or two leftover. You want enough to cover the berries but not so thick a layer that it won’t brown up on top without burning the bottom crust layer.

Because daaaamn it looks good all nice and browned.

Baking time will vary depending on the size of the pan you use. With the 8×11, I baked for 45 minutes and broiled for 5 to brown the top crust. You’d probably need to reduce baking time 5-10 minutes in a 9×13, but still broil to get the crust golden. Now, the hard part: put in the fridge for several hours to cool. I wanted dessert and fast after going for so long without baked goods, so this went into the freezer for two hours to set.

Totally worth it.

Now, here’s the shocking part: one of these little bars will ring in at only 300 calories. Not terrible in the realm of dessert, especially since I know ways of making one slice of cake run you nearly 900. Gluttony, thy name is Kate. But with Florida really looming on our horizon now, I must unfortunately actually reel in the old sweet tooth. The great thing about these bars is that they are nice and sweet while not breaking the old calorie bank. Until you “Kate them up” and add ice cream, anyway. The first night we had these, we decided that for future consumption to warm them up in the microwave for 30 seconds to make them ooey gooey in the middle, which was a total win. But then we also decided a scoop of homemade vanilla from Blue Bell would make these taste absolutely heavenly. Subsequently, I spent the following day running around every store I could think of frantically searching for Blue Bell. I got really twitchy. And then really sad when the cashier at the commissary told me Blue Bell isn’t sold out here anymore. I died a little when I placed a carton of Breyers in my cart. It made do, and I was reminded with each scrumptious bite that complaining about ice cream is a problem I’ll gladly take after living for over five years in an area that sanctimoniously crushed souls and enjoyed it. Now excuse me while I go enjoy that mountain view some more while bopping up and down like an overeager toddler on sugar because I’ve earned it. ‘Til next time my fellow eaters!

Ultimately, still delicious. But you better believe we’re trying this recipe again when we return to the promised land with Blue Bell. Why yes, I am so Texan it hurts. How did you know?

Between my husband’s birthday, Shark Week, and the holiday weekend, it’s been a pretty banner couple of days for us. Those of you that know me well know my absolute obsession with Shark Week. A misunderstood creature that looks mean and likes food, like, a lot? This speaks to me on so many levels. Plus, truly nothing feels more American to me than a one-ton eating machine springing from the ocean to devour its food. Perhaps the only way it could get any more American is if the scientists recording these beasts shot off a flare every time a shark jumped out of the water at impressive speed and height. The only downside to Fourth of July weekend is that one of our dogs, Hank, is insanely terrified of fireworks. For about two-three weeks around this time of year, neighbors are shooting off fireworks and poor Hank is hiding under the bed, certain the world is coming to an end and I’m doing nothing to stop it. Since we had a party to attend yesterday evening, we decided to dose him with melatonin to ease his anxiety. Because nothing says, “I care,” quite like sedating your loved ones. My only other problem with the Fourth of July weekend is coming up with a dessert that screams ‘True American Patriot.’ I outdid myself the very first year I got into baking, so it was an inevitable slow decline in effort on my part in the year following. I decided to bake something this year so full of red, white, and blue it looks like an American flag threw up. That’s right, I made a red, white, and blue tie-dye berry American flag cake. Because there are three things that are truly important to me: Freedom. ‘Merica. And cake.

So much freedom.

I showed up at this party with an insanely American dessert and an equally insanely American husband. He loves this country, and he has amassed a wardrobe that shows it. From American flag bandana, tank top, sunglasses, board shorts, and USA face shield, the only thing he was missing was red, white, and blue flip flops…next year. But I’m pretty sure all of the Founding Fathers were impressed with his outfit, as were the party goers. On a scale of one to America, my husband really loves his freedom. I’ll admit it was a great conversation starter (the outfit, not the cake), and being the wife of the most American to ever America did fill me with a lot of pride. It may look difficult to assemble, but I had this bad boy ready to go in under two hours (the cake, not my husband). Minus wait time for the cake to cool, this was so insanely quick to assemble. I recommend bringing this to all your celebratory barbecues tonight and tomorrow if you’re in need of a dessert. If he could, Ben Franklin would totally high five you for making a dessert this patriotic, and you know it.

This is, once again, a part of the “We’re moving soon” collection.

You probably don’t randomly have half a strawberry cake mix and half a white cake mix in your pantry. I do because this is a problem only a lazy baker could have. If by some strange coincidence, you’re in my boat, just be sure to half the ingredients needed for each cake and keep the strawberry cake totally separate from the white cake (dye the strawberry cake red, split the white cake in half and dye one half blue). If you’re a normal human being, you need:

• 1 white cake mix
• 4 room temp egg whites
• 2/3 cup of room temp butter
• 1 1/4 cups of room temp milk
• Red and blue gel dye
• 1-2 lbs fresh strawberries 
• 1 cup fresh blueberries

Grease a 9×13 pan (mine was disposable, so when baking, I placed it on a cookie sheet) and preheat your oven to 350. Dump all ingredients except the dyes and fruits into your stand mixer and blend on medium-high for two minutes. Divide up the cake batter into three bowls:

Leave one bowl white and dye the other two red and blue.

Then gather up three spoons and plop a spoonful of each color into the pan in random order.

Do this until you’ve run out of colors. Doesn’t need to be pretty, it will look awesome after it has baked.

Don’t swirl the batter, just tap your pan on the counter to even things out. Bake as directed for about 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Let rest on a cooling rack for 10 minutes before removing from the pan (unless you’re using a disposable pan, then leave that sucker in there). If you want to speed things up, place in the freezer for a half hour.

It looks even better on the inside! Promise. Got a drab camouflage happening here.

What, no vodka?

 Full disclosure, the party we went to was with members of a different squadron…so, people not indoctrinated to my need to add booze to every dessert I make. I decided to make this cake sans alcohol and went with my standard buttercream recipe:

• 1 cup of room temp butter
• 1 TBS clear vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp almond extract
• 6 cups powdered sugar
• 4-5 TBS milk or heavy cream

Cream the butter until fluffy, then add in the extracts, three cups of sugar, and two tablespoons of milk. Blend well, scrape the bowl, and add in the remaining three cups of sugar and two tablespoons of milk. If frosting is still too thick, add in one more tablespoon of milk.

Remove your cooled cake from the freezer or wherever you’ve stashed it and give it a solid crumb coat. Banish it back to the depths of the freezer for 15-30 minutes until completely crusted.

While this is taking place, go ahead and cut a bunch of strawberries in half. I ended up using 3/4 of a 2 lb container.

Add a final coat of frosting to the cake; you should have a generous amount of frosting leftover in the bowl to pipe stripes later. Don’t freeze! Arrange your fruit into a flag shape while the frosting is still soft to help adhere the fruit in place.

Like so. I eventually moved and added more blueberries because I had a ton of them leftover.

Then fit a piping bag with a 1M tip and pipe large shells in between each row of strawberries to create a nice, polished finishing look.

Here it is with the additional blueberries. Much prettier.

And it did look super vibrant once we cut into it! The tie-dye pattern varies with each slice which is really a cool touch.

 As far as cakes go, I never think to add fruit on top of them. Make cake healthy? What? You can do that? But strawberries on top of my almond buttercream…perfection. I’m not ashamed to say I wanted to sit down in a corner and just eat three or four slices of cake. It’s my right as an American, after all. I definitely play by the “go big or go home” adage of America, and this cake was no exception. I think it would look really cool if you did take a knife to the batter and swirl an ‘S’ shape into it…then it would be a really trippy tie-dye. I may try that in the future with other cakes. As far as eating the first cake in months not made from a handle of rum or vodka goes, it was actually quite refreshing. I love being the boozy baker, but going back to basics is nice sometimes. Plus, there were booze-soaked cherries at the party, so I got my fix. I love the right to bare boozy foods, what can I say. I hope you all have a fantastic Independence Day. Blow stuff up, eat meat in tube form, drink cheap, watery beer, and gorge on dessert. Be as American as possible (preferably while clad in every article of American flag clothing you own)! Just make sure your pets are safely in hiding and you don’t set yourself on fire or lose a toe to a rogue roman candle. No amount of cake in the world can fix that. ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I like to celebrate my freedom with a side of frosting and a boatload of calories.

So today we continue what has been termed “Derekpalooza” at our house. But today also marks the actual birthday of my husband, so it carries extra importance. The week-long celebration of Derekpalooza started last Saturday with the big 3-0 birthday cake, and will end on 4th of July weekend…which is fitting because my husband is real-life Captain America. If you don’t believe me, just wait until the Instagram pics get posted from the 4th of July BBQ we’ll be at Saturday to see what he’s got planned. Tonight we’re going out to a nice dinner with friends, so I knew we’d be too full for cake. I decided to do cake and presents last night, mostly because I could no longer contain the excitement over the gift I purchased him. When my husband opened up his thirtieth birthday present from me to find it was a Super-freakin-Nintendo, I think the last time I saw him that blissfully overjoyed with happiness was the day we were married (little did he know…I kid). A few weeks ago after I had hunted one down, he casually mentioned in conversation about needing to find a Super Nintendo. In my head, the voice was screaming “PANIC MODE, ENGAGE!,” but outside I maintained composure and responded as only a wife can with steely poker face, “But we already have a Nintendo 64 you never play.” I should probably be a politician. While the N64 has been neglected as of late, we’re a bit busy trying to sell our stupid house. I mean, trying to sell our luxurious three-bedroom/two-bathroom home that you should totally tell your friends about. So that and getting ready to move has taken total control of our lives. But I knew we needed a break, and no matter what birthday a man is celebrating, cake and video games are an excellent way to relax. I wanted a birthday cake that went along with the Nintendo theme. I know my husband’s favorite old school Nintendo game, and I was still trying desperately to clear out our bar before the move, so what came to fruition was this, the Svedka strawberry lemonade, 8-bit Legend of Zelda cake:

I will always believe the original Nintendo has the most bitchin’ graphics.

I never played Zelda. I know. I had to do a little research before making this…Zelda is the princess, but the main character is Link? To me, this makes as much sense as calling Super Mario World “Princess Peach World,” but no one asked me. And besides, my husband loved it, so all’s well that ends well. And sweet baby Jesus was this cake delicious. Svedka strawberry lemonade vodka, from what I remember, always made the best summer cocktails. This translated perfectly into the best summer cake. It is oh-so-fluffy, sweet, and has a hint of lemon, which goes great with a base strawberry cake. And the frosting. Oh the frosting. I’m telling you, the only way I ever want to consume vodka again is via buttercream frosting. This has such a nice zing, but without the burning sensation usually accompanied by drinking the stuff. And it’s honestly probably got the same calorie count as a vodka punch, but without the awful headache. Small miracles.

Even the bottle is pretty.

Once again, going the lazy baker route. I don’t have a homemade strawberry cake recipe…yet. I promise that one day I will, but until then, if it ain’t broke…

• One box strawberry cake mix
• One cup of room temp butter
• Four room temp eggs
• 3/4 cup of room temp strawberry lemonade vodka (I swear by Svedka, best cheap vodka out there, and I would know)
• 1/4 cup room temp milk

I know, I upped the ante with the amount of booze in this recipe. I think I may go full scale for my next recipe because this turned out amazing. All you need to do is grease a 9×13 pan, preheat the oven according to box directions, and dump everything in your stand mixer and blend on medium-high for two minutes. Pour the batter into the pan and bake…watch carefully for time. I think the amount of alcohol in the cake and how it bakes out in the oven causes the cake to bake faster. A typical 9×13 cake is done in the 30-35 minute window. This finished at 22 minutes. So it’s either that or my oven is getting ready to break, which would make perfect sense since we’re trying to sell our house. Someone knock on some wood for me.

Pictured: Supreme 90s kid candies

 I won’t lie to you. While your cake cools on a cooling rack, you’re gonna spend about three hours chopping candies to make an 8-bit cake of any variety: Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong, you name it. You will be so sick of Starbursts that you swear you’ll never eat one again, only to realize you still have half a bag and no choice. The things we do for the people we love. But here’s the exact amount of candies you need to create Link, the dude from Zelda who was robbed of getting a game named after him.

• 8 yellow Starbursts (I’m told people hate these; they are my favorite. This tells you everything you need to know about me.)
• 2 packages of watermelon Airheads (I bought 4 and only used half)
• 6 pink Starbursts (I was going to use pink lemonade Airheads, but they were pink pink)
• 4 Tootsie Rolls

Throw in a few extra for taste tests.

Couple of tips:

• Work with one color at a time.
• Heat for about 8 seconds in the microwave to make more malleable.
• Roll out each candy with a sturdy glass (rolling pins are too large).
• Use a very sharp knife, and clean candy residue off after each candy.
• Assemble a mock up on a sheet of foil or Parchment paper before you even think about assembling on a cake. I redid my candies quite a bit.

Once rolled out, trim edges of each piece into a nice square.

And cut each candy into quarters.

Slowly but surely, things will come along!

I didn’t need to roll out my Airheads, so I heated and cut them up in the manner you see here.

Like the world’s tastiest cross stitch pattern.

I also recommend using tweezers to help you assemble things. Starbursts are ridiculously sticky.

I did the Tootsie Rolls last because I simply believe they are an inferior chocolate and deserve to be treated as such. If I could’ve found a way to use Godiva for this, I would have.

This frosting will change you.

Three simple ingredients to make the best frosting I’ve ever had in my life. Well, tied with Baileys frosting. Nothing could ever be better than Baileys frosting. That’s just crazy talk. You need:

• 1 cup of room temp butter
• 6 cups of powdered sugar
• 4-5 tablespoons of Svedka strawberry lemonade vodka

Cream the butter until fluffy then add in three cups of sugar and two tablespoons of vodka. Mix until well incorporated. Dump in the remaining three cups of sugar and two tablespoons of vodka. Blend well. If too stiff, use the extra tablespoon of vodka. The icing will smell like a stiff drink, but it tastes divine and not like a shot of vodka, I promise. This recipe will give you enough frosting for a crumb coat, final coat, and piped border.

I got out my Link rendering to make sure he would fit on my cake. I needed to make him just a bit shorter, so I took off a row of whatever that yellow thing is. Someone help me, I know nothing about Zelda. But I cold spend six hours telling you the merits of playing as Luigi in Mario World. Crumb coat your cake and stick in the freezer for 15-30 minutes.

Then add the final layer of frosting. Doesn’t have to be too pretty, we’ll smooth it out later. Place back in the freezer for 15-30 minutes.

Then you can use the Viva paper towel trick to get things smoothed out.

Then I used my tweezers to transfer Link on to the actual cake. He looks relatively surprised by this turn of events.

I actually had 3/4 of a piping bag full of green frosting leftover from Derek’s first 30th birthday cake last Saturday, so I used that to pipe a star border around the entire cake using a #21 tip. I wrote out the birthday message with a #3 tip. I had enough of the new frosting leftover to make a border though, so no worries if you aren’t like me and don’t have random stockpiles of frosting in your freezer. But lucky me, I just got to sit down and eat some by itself. It’s like strawberry lemon heaven. Sweet, packs a zing, and just leaves you wanting a whole glass. Or in this case, spoon.

Then I added in some very festive and sparkly candles because every dessert should have sparkle.

 As excited as I was for Derek to open his birthday present, I was absolutely dying for him to see the cake. Clearly my baking is the best present I can give anyone since it requires so much time, patience, and effort to create something tailored specifically to one person. But a Super Nintendo is a very close second. I am proud to report he loved it. He thought it was insanely cool and had to take several pictures on his own phone (this is how I know it was a winner). I can’t say enough about how light and fluffy vodka makes a cake…it’s crazy, especially since it has the exact opposite effect on most people. Try making a flavored vodka cake, you will be impressed. All in all, baking, frosting, and piping border on to the cake took barely any time which helps make up for the tedium of chopping tiny 8-bit squares. No matter how much time it takes, this is a really clever way to decorate a cake, and I’m totally saving this for more ideas later. And anything that makes my husband happy is worth the time and effort. Now that you’re ready to gag and/or barf, I’ll take my leave. ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I promise to make you only the raddest of cakes from now until the time I have really terrible arthritis from cake decorating. Happy Birthday, Derek! I am so happy we get to celebrate you! Derekpalooza!!!

To me, there are several milestone birthdays worth celebrating: 16, 18, and 21. After 21, you inevitably sit and wait for death. But not my husband. He is so blissfully optimistic about age and birthdays, that even me with my heart made of what I assume is 75 percent ice and 25 percent cake at this point find it charming. I know my thirtieth birthday will consist of me sitting alone in a dark room, covered in blankets (both a literal one and one metaphorically made of sadness), listening to Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” while I scroll through old photos of my youth on Myspace. My husband took his thirtieth birthday party in a completely opposite direction; something to be said for those optimists. He’s proud he made it to 30 and wanted everyone to celebrate with him, so we did. Of course, if a celebration takes place without cake, was it really even a celebration at all? Much like if you didn’t Instagram/Snapchat/Facebook your every move of the day, do you even exist at all? The answer is a seemingly firm no. He only had one request: strawberry cake. Since this is also my favorite flavor of cake, it was rather easy to acquiesce to his request. But just plain strawberry cake would not suffice for such an important event. No. This cake needed flair! By the way, flair is what I’m calling booze now. Since I happen to be trying to clear out our bar and it’s 75 assorted flavors of vodka before we move next month (which is surprisingly difficult to do when you no longer drink said vodka), it worked twofold. I found the perfect flavor to complement strawberry cake: Pinnacle whipped cream vodka–the puffy cloud flavor of vodkas. I’ve made a smaller scale thirtieth number cake for my sister’s birthday 15 years ago (kidding, it was only two), but this time I actually had someone who was happy about turning 30 on my hands, so I did the whole go big or go home thing:

Like, really big.

It’s like a giant piñata. Full of booze and cake. The only kind of piñata an adult could ever want, really. Most of our friends expect by now that I am going to bring some sort of crazy cake with me to a party, but this was a grand scale even for me. This is actually one and a half cakes to make up the big 3-0 (ha, get it?!). When I told everyone there was vodka in the cake, they looked at me like I was crazy (I mean, I am, but for totally different reasons). When I clarified it was Pinnacle whipped vodka and strawberry cake with Pinnacle whipped buttercream frosting, people understood much better and immediately asked for a serving. This was yet another case of adjectives and descriptors once again saving the day. If you tell someone it’s a vodka cake, they probably assume you accidentally knocked over a bottle of McCormick’s into your cake batter. Not a good time for anyone. But Pinnacle whipped vodka…dear lord: light, fluffy strawberry met with even lighter and fluffier whipped cream flavor. The vodka bite bakes out of the cake entirely leaving you with a cake that really does taste like a cloud. Or how I imagine clouds would taste. If they were filled with whipped vodka.

Yep, even out of the box. Doctored, of course.

So here’s what you need to make the actual cake (just one, not one and a half):

• One box strawberry cake mix
• Two sticks of butter at room temp
• Four eggs at room temp
• 1/2 cup of milk at room temp
• 1/2 cup Pinnacle whipped vodka at room temp

Dump everything in your stand mixer and blend on medium-high for two minutes. Pour into a greased cake pan of your choice. To make a 30th birthday cake, you need either one 6″ round and one 6″ square pan or one 8″ round and one 8″ square pan. This handy little chart here breaks things down for you. Just make sure your pan sizes are equal regardless of whatever numbers you need for your cake. I used 8″ pans and baked in the middle of my oven at 350 for 20 minutes. I then later used half of another box of cake mix, two eggs, one stick of butter, 1/4 cup milk, and 1/4 cup vodka to make one more 8″ round cake to finish the number 3 cake.

And your house will smell delicious.

Let the cakes cool in the pan on a cooling rack for 10 minutes before removing and placing back on the cooling rack. Set in the freezer for an hour (at least 30 min, but longer is better for cutting). At this point, make the half a cake in a greased 8″ round by following my baking times and temps above. Follow the cooling and freezing process for this as well.

Ahh, the versatility of a Solo cup.

I started by making the zero first because it looked infinitely easier to do. Sometimes I have to psych myself up for the more difficult aspects of a baking project. No shame, yo! I took a frozen 8″ round and placed a Solo cup in the center. Why do I have Solo cups lying around my kitchen cabinets? Valid question, I suppose…but why do you not? You never know when an impromptu party might kick up, and let’s face it, if it’s impromptu, the fine china will not be making an appearance.

Save your scraps! For one, you need some for the three, and also because plain cake makes for great breakfast. Unless you’re into like whole wheat bagels and just wanting to watch the world burn. Strange hobbies, but okay.

Take the 8″ square and cut it into thirds. You’ll need all of these pieces, so unfortunately, no snacking yet.

Sudden urge to play snake on an old Nokia arising…

Take one of the thirds you just cut and cut it again into halves, and then assemble your zero:

Like so.

Things may not have baked completely evenly, so trim as needed to get your edges flush. Place this back in the freezer. Ready two 10×14 cake boards so you can place your assembled pieces on them for frosting later. I trimmed mine down to fit into a large cake box and covered them in decorative foil.

Kinda looks like a sigil of some sort…

Keep out the other two 1/3 strip of cake to assemble the three. Cut one of them into two equal pieces. Trim only one end off the other down to make a point (see below). Then take the round cake you baked second and cut two long pieces out from the edges (see above), using a Solo cup (see, totally practical kitchen tool) in the center to keep things even. 

If you look at the number three long enough, it stops making sense.

My first attempt at the pointed/arrow shaped piece you see in the middle of the three did not turn out long enough because someone (me) cut off the other end because someone (me) thought it was totally safe to snack on. Learn from me. Wait to snack until after you’ve assembled and frosted. The 1/3 slice from the 8″ square cake is long enough to make the piece in the middle if you’re not a greedy glutton. Take the two pieces you cut from the round cake and lay them around the pointed/arrow shaped piece. Take the other 1/3 piece you cut into halves and lay them at the end of the round pieces. Trim as needed to get all the edges flush. Place back into the freezer.

There’s not even enough vodka for drinking here, so have a beer to celebrate your work thus far.

Haha, boy did I think that one batch of frosting would be totally more than enough! For one and a half cakes. With a thick crumb coat. With multiple colors. Why? I wasn’t drinking the vodka. I swear. I had 3/4 of a bottle (like, in my possession, not in my drinking cup) when I began, and by the end of baking all the cakes and making TWO batches of frosting, there was literally not a drop left. So if you’re going full-scale design, ensure you’ve got enough ingredients on hand to make a double batch. This recipe is for a SINGLE batch, so simply double all the amounts if needed:

• 2 cups of room temp butter
• 8 cups of powdered sugar
• 6 TBS Pinnacle whipped vodka

Cream the butter until fluffy, then add four cups of sugar, three tablespoons of vodka, and mix. Scrape the bowl, repeat with the remaining four cups of sugar and three tablespoons of vodka.

And slather on the crumb coats…

You’re gonna get frosted a little yourself.

I picked up each individual piece and frosted it, ensuring the ends that were going to be sandwiched to another piece had a very hefty glob to glue them together. Be sure to let your crumb coat freeze to ensure pieces don’t shift during decoration.

Green and blue, best color combo ever.

I wanted a fun and summery cake, and my husband’s favorite color is green. Mine is blue. This is the scientific process I used for selecting colors. I used four Tupperware to divide up even amounts of frosting. I dyed them light blue, blue, light green, and green.

This makes me want to go to the beach or make snow cones.

I placed my dyed frosting into four piping bags, each fitted with a 1M tip. Once my crumb coats had frozen, I moved the 0 to my counter and the 3 to my fridge.

I simply piped twp rows of stars in one color before alternating to the next: blue/light blue/light green/green.

This right here? Precisely where I ran out of frosting. Maybe because half of it ended up on my dishwasher below. Whatever the case, I was really upset to be so close to finishing one number when I ran out that I ate some cake scraps and smelled the empty vodka bottle. It functioned more like smelling salts, so I was renewed.

I soldiered on, finished my 0, and worked on my 3:

Well, it’s an E here, but you get the point.

I ran out of everything but the dark green…which works out perfectly because I need it for my husband’s other birthday cake he’s getting on his actual birthday in a couple days. Small victories, people.

Side by side, I’m no longer vexed by the shape of the number three. I thought I might need to be evaluated psychologically for a bit there.

The party was a smashing success. The cake was a huge hit. The frosting had a nice zing from the vodka, but not so much so that it disrupted the harmony of the cake. Look at me, sounding like a pretentious baker! I was really happy with how this turned out. My husband was impressed, and he thanked me approximately five times because he loved it that much. Many people had seconds. On cake. That’s when you know it’s a good recipe. It kind of gives off a strawberry delight vibe when it comes to taste, but still with the consistency of cake and delicious buttercream (don’t you come at me with that weak whipped topping–I am a true cake connoisseur). I loved it so much that I’m going to try another flavored vodka strawberry cake for my husband’s actual birthday birthday cake. Because when you’re unable to properly express your affection verbally thanks to your 75/25 ice/cake heart, you show your husband you love him by baking him all the cake in the damn world. Blog to follow in several days. But until then, I will continue to take my cues from my amazing husband and learn how to embrace a new decade of living. ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I would do anything for my husband, including going temporarily insane from how weird the number three looks when you have to stare at it for five hours straight. Love is strange and wonderful.

There are certain things in life that just don’t get a fair shake, like Thanksgiving, non-athletically inclined college students in West Texas, and brownies. But somehow, if you add booze to all three, people really seem to enjoy them so much more. Well, I can’t speak for the rest of my fellow West Texas klutzes that never made football or cheerleading because both of their feet refuse to function at the same time, but it worked for me. We may not know the glow of Friday night lights and football mania, but we certainly do get a nice glow ourselves after a glass of wine. Anywho, back to my point. Brownies seem to be one of those desserts that function better as a part of something bigger than themselves: hot fudge brownie sundaes and chocolate chip cookie dough brownies for instance. Brownies are usually more of a serving platter in the dessert world, but I wanted to make brownies that would stand tall above the rest. Brownies with wow factor. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned as the boozy baker, it’s that Baileys makes everything better. Guinness doesn’t hurt, either. Enter the Baileys brownie with Guinness ganache:

Are you drooling? Because it’s totally acceptable if you are.

I love fudgy brownies. I only eat brownies that are so dense that TSA wouldn’t let a pan through airport security because it could also function as a hefty weapon. They may weigh five pounds, but these melt on your tongue. They also travel well. We took this batch on a seven-hour drive to San Antonio to visit my in-law’s for Father’s Day and my mother-in-law’s birthday. I couldn’t very well show up without a dessert for such an occasion! These made the trip without getting weird or melty or eaten by the dogs (or more realistically, me). So if you’ve got a trip coming up and you want to remind people why they should enjoy your presence so much, bring a pan of these bad boys. It works! You also get the added bonus of being able to throw these together with a few simple ingredients in a short amount of time, but things still look bakery quality without the added fuss (and cussing) that usually comes along with it!

See, I wasn’t lying.

Since these brownies were traveling, I placed them in an 8×8 foil pan that was greased very heavily. You can go this route or spray an 8×8 pan with a borderline ridiculous amount of Baker’s Joy and/or Pam. Preheat your oven to 350 and gather up:

• 1 cup of butter 
• 2 cups of semi sweet chocolate chips
• 2 1/2 cups of flour
• 1 tsp of salt
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1 1/2 cups of brown sugar (I used dark for added richness)
• 2 eggs (preferably at room temp for easier blending)
• 1/2 cup of Baileys (I used original, but salted caramel would probably take these to a whole new level)

Start by dumping the butter and chocolate chips into a medium bowl and melting in the microwave for a minute. Stir until everything is evenly melted. If you need more time in the microwave, only go in 20-30 second intervals, stirring between each one. Set this aside to cool off. In a medium bowl, mix the flour, salt, and baking powder. In your stand mixer bowl, mix the sugar, eggs, and Baileys on low until well incorporated. Add in half the dry mix, blend, and then add in half the butter/chocolate mix and blend. Scrape the bowl before adding in the rest of the dry mix blending, and the rest of the chocolate mix. Blend until things are nicely mixed.

Do I have to bake them? Mmm, brownie batter.

Dump the brownie mix into your greased pan. If using a flimsy foil pan, place your pan on top of a cookie sheet before baking. A regular pan will be fine without the extra support. Bake in the middle rack of your oven for 45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out mostly clean.

Here’s where the real magic happens.

Once cooked, remove and place on a cooling rack. Take a 1/4 of a cup of Baileys or a little less if you’re not as obsessed as I am with the stuff. Brush the Baileys on top of the warm brownies until they achieve this look:

I call this the “drowning in booze” look.

At this point, move the brownies to the fridge to cool for an hour or to the freezer for 30 minutes. Wait until they are fully cooled to top with the ganache.

I bought so many bags of chocolate chips for this recipe. Wildly over compensated.

Okay, I’ve had this one bottle of Guinness in the fridge for months waiting to bake these brownies. I even had to label it so my husband wouldn’t drink it. Don’t worry, he got to drink the remainder of what was left which was about 3/4 of a Guinness. He didn’t have to suffer. And he got some boozy brownies out of it, too, so don’t feel too badly for him. To make your own ganache you need:

• 2 TBS Guinness stout or regular
• 2 TBS of butter
• 3/4 cup of chocolate chips
•  1/4 cup of powdered sugar

This is super difficult. Reread these steps at least ten times before trying to make the ganache. Are you ready? Can you handle it? Here we go…

Dump the Guinness, butter, and chocolate chips in a bowl. Microwave for a minute, stir until everything is melted, and whisk in the powdered sugar.

Still with me? Told you. Super difficult. I apologize for how hard that must have been for you.

Dump your ganache on top of the brownies and use a rubber spatula to smooth out.

You could be done at this point, but nothing says festive like glitter sprinkles, so I highly advise throwing some on top of your ganache before it sets.

I’m really into the wow factor this week, what can I say.

When baking for your in-law’s, you really want to prove to them their child has not married some heathen, so use glitter sprinkles as a gentle reminder that their son or daughter is in good hands. Anyone who takes the time to work with glitter sprinkles must be a fun and loving spirit, right? That’s what I’m going with, anyway. Plus, pretty! These made the brownies look that much more decadent because they literally got stamped with gold stars for approval:

Can thin, wimpy, non-fudgy brownies say the same? No. No they cannot. But Texas sheet cake cookies certainly can, too.

I died a little when I ate these. They’re just that good. I couldn’t believe I went all my life without thinking to add Baileys to brownies and topping them with Guinness-laden ganache. Luckily, I had these brownies to comfort me in my time of sadness. My grief over waiting almost 30 years to eat brownies this good lasted literally a millisecond until the next bite. I wanted to sit down and eat them four at a time, but that probably would’ve given me a terrible gut bomb and made a less-than-thrilling impression on my in-law’s. “So she’s not a heathen, just a glutton.” I was more than happy to share. I thoroughly enjoy hearing the “yum” noises people make when they bite into my desserts. I feel this is an involuntary noise people make without even being aware of it, so it’s a good method of judging how things turned out. This, immediately followed by silence until plates are cleaned equals a winner. Needless to say, I will be using this recipe as my staple brownie formula from now until the end of time. There’s no overwhelming alcohol taste–Baileys is so perfect for complementing the flavor of chocolate that it’s simply amazing. The Baileys also helps to keep things nice and moist, cause let’s face it, brownies this fudgy and rich will take a few days to devour. And that grueling, time consuming ganache? We all know the only way you can improve a Baileys/chocolate combo is by adding Guinness somewhere into the mix, too. Move over cakes, varsity players of the dessert world, brownies have finally come into their own! ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Finally, a brownie that won’t leave you wondering what else is at the dessert table!

I’m assuming the first person that ever made a key lime pie was from the Florida Keys. And when I think Florida Keys, I think key lime pie, rum, and mosquitoes. Hey, two out of three ain’t bad. But I feel like an opportunity was seriously missed here–back in the rum-running days of yore down in Florida, why was no one interested in smuggling booze via food? I mean, not that I’m complaining, NASCAR came about because of all of this after all, and me in all my Texan redneck glory can’t live without hot, nasty, badass speed, but it just seems like circumventing Prohibition would’ve been a lot less risky if Auntie Ruth was just selling boozy pies at the church bake sale every Sunday instead. Then you could have your rum and eat it, too. These are the thoughts that plague me but inevitably lead to some really great ideas in the kitchen. So when my husband asked me to make a key lime pie, I knew if I was going to spend all that time juicing limes, there better be some rum involved. Coincidentally, I knew I needed to practice making key lime pies because we’re moving to Florida. And when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Or in this case, bake like their rum-running ancestors.  May I present to you, the Malibu key lime pie.

Literally mixing lime and the coconut. No innuendos here. For once.

Why has no one else tried this? I mean, I guess since no one has this means I get to toot my own horn and revel in my greatness, so this is really a win-win for me and my future clientele in Florida. And it’s hot outside. Super hot. Like someone left the oven on at 1,000 degrees hot. So when summer decides to slap me in the face, all I really want is a cool beverage that consists mostly of sugar, rum, and one tiny umbrella. But since I try to only drink on the most special of occasions (unfortunately, “it’s hot” isn’t good enough to qualify), I needed to try to satisfy this rum craving in a more adult and less “Woo Girl on spring break” manner. I’m simply too old and tired to deal with the day-after-Woo-Girl-celebration hangover anymore, so I’ll eat my booze instead. I hope my mother is proud of how grown up I am. It only took almost 30 years..

But much like any former Woo Girl, I still buy my rum in bulk sizes.

Pre-made pie crust? Yep, I know juicing limes doesn’t seem like a terrible job, but once you’ve juiced a thousand tiny key limes, you’re gonna be really satisfied with your decision to not also make a pie crust from scratch. However, aside from juicing limes to the point that even your hangnails have gone numb, this is an insanely quick recipe to throw together. You need:

• One pie crust (I used a low fat pre-made crust to cut some calories. Those bikinis don’t wear themselves, folks). You can make your favorite homemade crust, but this is just so much quicker.
• 1/2 cup of key lime juice (*see note below)
• 2 tablespoons of key lime zest
• 1/4 cup Caribbean coconut rum like Malibu
• 2 14 ounce cans of sweetened condensed milk (again, I opted for the low fat version)
• 1/2 cup of light sour cream
• One husband or significant other to juice all your limes. I cut so many corners with this pie.

In all seriousness, juicing tiny key limes didn’t seem like it would be that much of a pain, but my darling husband volunteered to do it since he requested the dessert. I know, how did someone so evil land someone so nice, you ask? It may or may not have something to do with how I look in that bikini. I kid.

*Key limes are quite small, so you’ll probably juice 10 of them to get a half a cup of lime juice. You can use regular limes, but if you live in Florida it’s probably illegal to make a key lime pie with plebeian limes. I had several leftover key limes which I used to decorate my pie with. More on that later! Now, on to making the filling!

You will smell like limes for days by this point.

If you want to brown your pre-made crust, go right ahead following package instructions. Make sure your crust is TOTALLY cooled before you add in the filling! To make the filling, dump the lime juice, lime zest, rum, condensed milk, and sour cream in a blender with a whisk attachment. Blend for a minute or two until everything it well mixed. Dump your filling into the pie crust, place the crust on a baking sheet, and bake at 350 for ten minutes. Let rest on a cooling rack for another 10 minutes before chilling. I chilled my pie in the freezer for 1 hour before adding whipped cream.

You’re gonna love me for this…

No key lime pie is complete without whipped cream. No Malibu key lime pie is complete without Malibu whipped cream. Whipped cream is so easy to make, but you could always grab a tub of Cool Whip and mix in a tablespoon of rum if you’re looking for an even easier fix. But to make the real, genuine good stuff that would make rum-runners and pirates proud, get:

• 1 cup of heavy cream
• 3/4 cup of powdered sugar
• 1 tablespoon of rum
• Leftover limes for decoration

Chill your mixing bowl in the freezer for a few minutes, then add in the cup of heavy cream and mix on low for 30 seconds before upping the power to medium-high. Mix until the cream is forming peaks, around 2-3 minutes. Then add in the sugar and rum and mix on high for another 30 seconds. Transfer to a piping bag fitted with the tip of your choice. I used a 2D tip.

I simply piped drop flowers onto the pie. Apply pressure to the bag, let a small mound of whipped cream to come out, then twist your wrist and continue piping for another moment to achieve this.

Then I cut my leftover limes into small slivers and placed them onto my whipped cream. Beautiful finishing touches are kinda my thing. NBD…

We had this pie after playing a round of bocce ball in the backyard. I know bocce ball doesn’t seem like a physically demanding sport, but I still worked up a good thirst by the time we were done. Instead of grabbing that sugary rum drink, I opted for a slice of pie. It was an excellent decision. This pie is cool, light, tart, and has a nice, subtle hint of coconut thanks to the rum. I simply loved it and how refreshing it was on a hot day. Unlike heavier desserts, this didn’t leave me grasping for a huge glass of water. And you can really taste the Malibu in the whipped cream; it gives your tongue that nice little tingle an umbrella drink would to satisfy those summer booze cravings. I may or may not have emitted a small “woo” upon taking the first bite. Hey, I suppose no Woo Girl can ever truly be reformed. Let’s just say I’m really happy there’s leftover Malibu whipped cream for me to put on all my breakfast fruits for the remaining week. Start the day off with some alcohol-laden calcium, and end it with some delicious Malibu key lime pie, baby! Seriously, this recipe will blow away all your friends and family at your next outdoor gathering this summer. Make the juicing of key limes seem tedious and everyone will thank you for all your efforts, but you and I can keep the secret between us that making this pie is, well, a piece of cake. Or in this case a piece of pie. Really tasty, rum-y pie. ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

You’re my new favorite thing about summer.

It never fails around here: it’ll be freezing outside, so I’ll make an appropriate dessert to warm my insides, and later that day, the outside world will have turned into a sauna. Or it will be nearing 100, I will buy all the ice cream, and then a cold front will move in for a week. As if living in Clovis itself wasn’t a big enough joke, Mother Nature always like to throw in a one-two punch just to remind me Clovis can always find a way to be worse. Case in point: last weekend I was in a swimsuit eating grilled brats and cupcakes (more on those in a minute, obviously). Today I am curled into a tiny blanket burrito wondering why June 1st feels as rainy and cold as February 1st, and if I’m actually turning into a real barometer and not just a human one…hello old age, I can literally feel you in my bones. Needless to say, my summertime cupcakes have been carefully, albeit angrily, placed into the freezer for the time being. Because summer conjures up images of sand, sun, and rum, not huddling for warmth, sadness, and well, still some rum. I’m closing my eyes to imagine the deluge of rain pouring down outside is the ocean, but all that’s happening is that I might have to pee now. I suppose now would be the time to look forward–after all, how many 50 degree days does anyone get in June–in a week I’ll literally be burning to death under the desert sun, but at least my cupcakes will be appropriate again. As a seasonal eater, I simply believe certain foods need to be consumed certain times of the year. Case in point: Have you ever seen anyone eat a S’more in December? Exactly. So what would prevent me from eating these cupcakes just because a few feet of rain has fallen in the last twelve hours along with the temp? Well, these cupcakes are the epitome of summer. These cupcakes beg to be eaten under a hot sun with a cold one in the other hand. These cupcakes are Malibu rum cupcakes with Malibu rum buttercream (so technically, you’re double fisting it).

They’re so ready for summer, they even come with their own umbrella!

I tried to embody the beach as best as I could with these cupcakes. I had a limited amount of time to throw these together or I probably would’ve found a way to make these even more summery by adding shark fins to them. Literally the best thing about summer is undoubtedly Shark Week. Getting people to take huge bites out of these cupcakes was as close as I was gonna get, but it works. Maybe Shark Week speaks to me because much like the shark, I’ll eat anything that fits in my mouth and I prefer solitude? People are often a little scared of me and marvel at my weirdness, so I’ve got that going for me, too. I’ll have to petition the Discovery Channel for a Kate Week. My mom would probably be the only person that watched, save for a few enemies looking for my mortal weakness.

Yep, that easy.

These are so QUICK to make. Seriously, make these for your next Fourth of Ju-luau party to celebrate America the best way possible: with cupcakes chock-full of booze! “My country tis of the, sweet land of boozy treats!”

I’ve got some recommendations for you here:

• Use a white cake mix, as it has the least amount of natural flavor to allow the rum to shine through.
• Doctor the box mix by adding an additional egg white, using butter instead of oil and doubling the amount, and replace water with milk and rum.
• This box recipe called for 1 1/4 cups of water. You could go for really rummy cupcakes and use 1/2 cup of rum and 3/4 cup of milk (I wish I would’ve done this!). Or if you’re testing out a crazy genius idea and don’t want to end up accidentally drunk while trying to operate a stand mixer, you can use 1/4 cup of rum and 1 cup of milk. I did this, but the rum taste in the cupcakes was very faint. Live and learn!

•  Optional: add in a tiny (like 1/4 tsp) splash of vanilla and almond extract. If you use the 1/2 cup of rum, this should be an excellent addition for taste. I only used 1/4 cup of rum, so the vanilla and almond overpowered the rum taste. People still ate them, all was not lost.
• I also recommend using a coconut rum and not a spiced rum. Malibu has that perfect summertime flavor, like tanning oil in digestible form.
• Bake according to package temp and time.

Let cool in the pan for 5 minutes, then remove to finish cooling on a rack.

While the cupcakes are cooling, make your rum buttercream. I made a very large amount because I wanted to get wild and crazy with the frosting. And, taste testing reasons… You need:

• 1 1/2 cups of butter at room temp
• 7-8 cups of powdered sugar
• 1/2 tsp vanilla
• 6-7 TBS Malibu Rum
• Optional: crushed Nilla Wafers for “sand” and cocktail umbrellas for decorating

 Cream the butter until nice and fluffy, then add in the vanilla, two cups of sugar, and two tablespoons of rum. Mix well, scrape the bowl, and then add in two more cups of sugar and two more tablespoons of rum. Repeat this process until you have enough frosting to decorate your cupcakes. I used 8 cups of sugar and 7 TBS of rum for 24 cupcakes. This is not too rummy by any means. You can taste the Malibu last…it lingers on your tongue with each bite, but it is not so powerful you’ll fail a breathalyzer, promise.

For a simple swirl, use a 1M tip.

Like so. Finish off with a sprinkling of crushed Nilla Wafers. This right here looks like the perfect soft serve ice cream cone. Dammit rain, go away, you’re harshing my food vibe!

Complete the look by angling a cocktail umbrella into the top!

With the other dozen, I wanted to create a mini beach. I took a bowl of crushed of Nilla Wafers to place next to my cupcakes. Then I used my 1M tip and created a ring around the outside edge of the cupcake.

Then I gently rolled it in the “sand.”

And repeated on all 12.

Then I got out a new piping bag fitted with another 1M tip and painted gel dye on the inside edges of the bag.

And I filled it with the remaining frosting, doing my best not to get blue dye all over myself and failing miserably, of course.

Then just pipe little swirls into the middle of the “sand.” Presto! A wave of blue and white “ocean,” we shall say. I repeated on all 12 and also added umbrellas to these, but they are cute without, too. But I have literally no use for 60 leftover cocktail umbrellas, so I was using 12 more come hell or high water.

 While this may be a white cake base, the addition of the rum and extra egg white make these cupcakes as light and fluffy as little individual Angel food cake servings, but without all the extra work and swearing that comes with making them! Seriously, these will melt on your tongue like any good summertime rum-based drink should. And they’ll last about as long as a pitcher of cold piña coladas, so be sure to grab one fast, or in the case of our party hosts, take and hide some for later (rum smuggling, essentially). Next time I will add in the extra rum to the batter, but the buttercream icing…I could honestly sit down with a spoon and just eat this alone. I absolutely hate the texture of coconut but love the flavor (refer again to the weirdness I mentioned in paragraph two of this blog), so this frosting is perfect for anyone into coconut. Plus eating them just transports you away to white sandy beaches, warm sun, and a magical land where calories don’t exist. Maybe I’ll be digging these out of the freezer tonight to wash away today’s rainy blues. ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Life’s a beach, after all.

Texas has given way to some of my favorite creations: Blue Bell ice cream, Shiner beers, the best damn BBQ, and H-E-B…I know it seems silly, food, beer, and a chain of grocery stores (throwing shade your way, Walmart/Arkansas), and I realize that most people are inclined to adore the gifts of their home state, but Texas is clearly ranking superior in a lot of categories. I can’t begin to explain to you why all of us Texans are so boastfully proud of our home state..John Steinbeck probably summed it up best when he said Texas was a state of mind. You have to be there to see it, feel it, experience it, and it is unlike anywhere else in the world. We’ve got rolling hills, gorgeous deserts, and some days we even experience all four seasons at once! We’re also pretty damn proud of the fact that it can take an entire day to drive out of our state. We like things big in Texas–big trucks, big hair (‘Tease it to Jesus,’ we always say), big smiles; if you’re looking for something big, chances are we have it, Texas-size. Take our cakes for instance. We have Texas sheet cakes because regular cakes simply weren’t large enough, so we made sure to make them in a size so large they could only appropriately be named by comparing them to the size of bed linens. This is actually not true, but it would be pretty awesome if it was. Texas sheet cakes are supposedly called such because the cakes are cooked in a sheath pan and are only about an inch thick. Because Texans are geniuses, someone decided the cake-to-frosting ratio of normal cakes simply wasn’t cutting it and perfected the sheet cake so you pretty much get a 1:1 ratio of cake and frosting. I would worship at the feet of whoever it was that took the initiative to make this happen. We all know we only eat cake for the frosting, unless you’re one of those weird people who peels their frosting off…in which case, know there’s a special circle in hell for your deviant behavior. I have never made a traditional Texas sheet cake (although I’ve probably eaten at least 100 of them), and surprisingly, today is still not that day. Today is the day I took the mad-Texas science a step further. Today is the day that Kate Bakes Cakes makes yellow Texas sheet cake with chocolate frosting cookies. So when the time comes that someone is searching through the annals of history to figure out what brilliant Texan created such a concoction, let my blog do the talking!

Can you eat a dream?

The answer is yes. Yes you can. These provide all the flavor of a yellow Texas sheet cake, but in handheld form you can take with you literally everywhere you go. See, cake severely limits your ability to eat on the go. Who has time for plates and utensils in this day and age? This is starting to sound like an infomercial. I digress. Texas sheet cake icing is literally a gift from, well, some unknown Texan I talked about earlier who may or may not have either been some sort of diety or witch because this stuff is pure magic. It’s like Magic Shell but for cake/cookies–hardened on the outside yet somehow ridiculously soft on the tongue. And the actual cookie? Proud to report the conversion from cake to cookie turned out ridiculously well. The outside is nice and crisp, but the inside is literally a piece of cake. This may be the crowning achievement of my original recipes. Did I peak before 30? Yes, but are we really that surprised a blonde narcissist with an over-inflated ego and real-life Disney villain qualities peaked before 30? No. No we are not.

So we’ll carry on, business as usual.

I looked at the various recipes for traditional chocolate Texas sheet cakes, white Texas sheet cakes, caramel Texas sheet cakes, seriously, we go big or go home when it comes to the sheet cakes. I researched the science behind converting a cake batter to cookie batter. And by research, I mean a cursory search that had this whole cake to cookie thing figured out in under 30 seconds. So I’d like to pretend this was an arduous process resulting in my genius, but like most of life’s confusing situations, it was solved with the help of Google. To make your very own batch of melt in your mouth, not in your hands yellow Texas sheet cake cookies, gather up:

• 2 2/3 cup of flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 TBS baking powder
• 1 cup of room temp butter
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 TBS vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp almond extract
• 2 eggs at room temp

Start by preheating the oven to 350 and blending the flour, salt, and baking powder together in a medium bowl. In a stand mixer, cream the butter and sugar for a few minutes until light and fluffy. Then add in each egg, one at a time, scraping down the bowl each time. Add in the vanilla and almond and blend. Then add in half of the dry mix, blend, scrape the bowl, and add the rest of the dry mix, blending until well incorporated.

Like little ice cream scoops of happiness.

Once your dough is made, line two trays with Parchment paper or spray with cooking spray. Use a cookie scoop and scoop away! This makes 32 cookies…or in my case and the name of science, 31 because I needed to sample dough to ensure the taste was alright (Come and get me, raw eggs in cookie dough. This is my house!!). Now, I don’t like thin cookies…I like cookies thick like a slab of steak from H-E-B’s butcher. I swear they’re not paying me in anyway, I just love the store that much. So to keep my cookies from going totally flat and thin in the oven, I stick them in the fridge for 10-15 minutes to help keep a puffy form. These should bake for about 8-10 minutes, or until bottoms are turning golden and tops are firm.

Like a blonde field of dreams.

I baked these 12 at a time, one tray at a time with no issues. Let them cool fully before making your icing! Otherwise the icing won’t harden, and that is simply not sheet cake icing then. It’s just a puddle of delicious melted sugar. Still good, but not what we’re looking for. FUTURE HELPFUL TIP: icing is messy. With or without a cooling rack, ensure you have Parchment paper underneath your cookies to save yourself a counter top disaster later.

What, still no booze in these? Whose blog is this?!

While I suppose you could add some Baileys in place of milk, since this was all still in the name of science, I did not. I feel like this is a really good excuse for anything, really… Didn’t wear a bra anywhere you went today? In the name of science. Wanted to see what happened when you left a child near an angry cat? In the name of science. In the name of science, to make this icing, you need:

• 1 cup of butter (room temp will help it melt faster)
• 1/4 cup cocoa powder
• 1/2 cup of milk (or 1/4 cup milk and 1/4 cup Baileys if you’re feeling frisky) 
• 6 cups of powdered sugar

Start by melting the butter, cocoa, and milk in a medium sauce pan on medium-high heat. Once melted, turn off the burner and add in one cup of powdered sugar at a time. You will get an arm workout here; you’re gonna need to whisk like crazy to get out any lumps. Lumpy frosting = some other state’s problem (Oklahoma, most likely), not Texas’s. 

Now get ready to pour some frosting on me. I mean the cookies. I was having a Def Leppard moment.

To ice, simply spoon a large spoonful of icing on top of each cookie, doing your best to make sure you get it on all sides as well. I wanted to make these even more Texas-y, so what did I do?

The stars at night, are big and bright…

Deep in the heart of Texas! Sorry, not finishing that line ends with a lifetime prison sentence for any Texan. Probably a true fact. I iced four cookies at a time and then quickly dusted each one with star sprinkles. Mostly because they’re for the Lone Star State, but also because we’re moving soon and I don’t think my husband is going to appreciate me taking up an entire box worth’s of space in a U-haul for my decorative sprinkles collection. Once all your cookies have been frosted, back away slowly. Resist temptation. DO NOT TOUCH until the frosting has set after about an hour. I suppose you could place these in the fridge or freezer to speed up the process. I ate an orange and contemplated the impressive amount of sheer willpower I’ve grown since starting to record my daily food intake. I also may have cried a little, but I’m not sure the two were related (I’m positive they were).

You were worth the calories this close to swimsuit season, Texas sheet cake cookies.

Y’all…a blog about Texas and my first y’all wasn’t until the end, clearly I need to brush up on my Texan…these cake cookies are the best thing to happen to Texas since Stephen F. Austin or Schlitterbahn. That good. Start to finish I was done in about 45 minutes, and that’s including 15 minutes of staring longingly at my fridge while the dough chilled. The hardest part about making these cookie cakes was the hour wait to let the frosting set. I was a good little girl and waited until after dinner to eat one. I was proud. Proud of how damn good these are. The frosting is able to be handled without getting all over the place but still soft and melty when eating. The cookies are firm on the outside and smooth like buttah on the inside. Yellow cake/chocolate frosting is always a winner in my book, but these little fellas took it up a notch. Try these, you won’t regret it. It’s easy as pie and as Texas as sheet cake cookies! Like I said, everything’s bigger in Texas, especially flavor. ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

And just like any true Texan, you’ll be sad when they’re gone.

Chocolate and peanut butter…I’m told it’s a flavor combination for the ages, like coffee and cigarettes or bacon and every meal ever. I know I’m in the minority, but I am not a fan. I avoid the chocolate and peanut butter flavor combo as much as most people avoid orange juice and toothpaste or Spam and every meal ever. I’m used to being the odd man out on popular favorites when it comes movies and music, but being the (obviously self-appointed) Queen of Desserts, it genuinely bothers me when I can’t seem to understand a food craze…like, can someone please explain quinoa to me? Is it supposed to taste like cardboard? But when our friends asked for chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting as their third and final flavor of wedding cupcakes, I knew I had a hurdle to overcome. I could eat a PB&J for lunch every day, and I clearly eat chocolate with fervor and zest most people reserve for a  12-ounce Porterhouse, so why not together? To my knowledge as a young child, I never ate so many Reese’s peanut butter cups that I hurled or anything, so that wasn’t it. I mean, I am the girl who loves Whataburger so much I still eat it after it gave me food poisoning three times (Stick with burgers. Avoid chicken at all costs.), so it’s not like that would even contribute to my distaste for PB&C. I swear I’m no hipster, avoiding PB&C because it’s “too mainstream.” So I went to the grocery store, bought a bag of mini Reese’s cups, came home, and stared at them for a solid five minutes while trying to decide if I could somehow trick myself into ingesting one. When I realized that was in no way possible and I was behaving like my dogs do when I try to give them any medication by clenching their jaws shut and refusing to believe they’ll ever need to open their mouths again, I bucked up and popped a damn mini Reese’s into my mouth. My world…it was forever changed.

What else have I been wrong about?! Is Ryan Gosling actually a good actor? Are cats actually not Satan reincarnate? Is it actually acceptable to swim directly after eating?

Clearly this moment I experienced between woman and Reese’s peanut butter cup was life-altering. I realize I was wrong to assume that just because I didn’t like PB&C when I was a kid and a teenager that I wouldn’t change my mind/tastes someday. Since I steadfastly oppose change and believe that rules were made to be followed, I don’t go outside of my comfort zone much in life. You’ll never catch me at the end of a bungee jumping experience or eating kale because some things in life are just big old fat NOPES, but I learned my lesson–always give desserts a second chance. And when you do give desserts a second chance, go big, baby. You stuff those chocolate cupcakes with mini Reese’s cups and you slather them with large globs of peanut butter buttercream (as delicious as it is redundant). Much like my stepdad has always said, no one’s last thought in life is ever going to be, “Boy am I glad I ate that salad today,” so make the cupcakes. Eat the cupcakes. Rediscover yourself in the process. Question everything you’ve ever disliked (while possibly eating a second cupcake). Become better through dessert! I mean, it is way cheaper than a therapist after all.

And no HMO is required!

I’ve got two schools of thought here: make these from scratch because everything is better that way or don’t worry if you want to use box cake, I can help. So, if you want to make super moist cupcakes from scratch that yield 14 cupcakes, gather up:

• One bag of mini Reese’s
• 3/4 cup room temp butter
• 1 cup of sugar
• 1 1/3 cup of flour
• 1 tsp of baking powder
• 1/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 cup of cocoa powder
• 2 eggs at room temp
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 cup room temp sour cream
• 1/2 cup room temp milk

Preheat the oven to 350 and start by creaming the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. While this is blending, mix together the flour, baking soda and powder, and cocoa in a medium bowl and set aside. Add the eggs, vanilla, and sour cream to the butter, mix, and blend well. Then add in half of the dry mix and half of the milk and blend well. Scrape the bowl and add in the rest of the dry mix and milk. Mix until just incorporated.

Conversely, find a chocolate box cake of your liking and cake jack it by adding an extra egg, sub milk for water, and sub butter for oil and double the amount. Going this route will make probably 24 cupcakes instead of just 14. So if you’ve got a party on your hands instead of self-grazing on desserts, this may be a wise choice.

In either case, line a muffin tin with cupcake wrappers and fill a little less than 2/3 of the way full with the batter:

Like so.

Then unwrap and add one mini Reese’s into each cupcake, pressing them down gently just a bit to get to the center of the batter:

Also like so.

Bake in the middle rack of your oven for 15-18 minutes or until a toothpick comes out of the sides (not the center where the Reese’s cups are) clean. Let cool in the tin for 5 minutes then remove to a cooling rack to finish cooling.

I wanted to eat them all right then and there. I have a lifetime of not eating PB&C to make up for!!!

 As you can see, the cupcakes on the far left in the yellow wrappers look different. This is because I did NOT place a Reese’s into these so they puffed up a bit more. I wanted the bride and groom to have plenty of choice to what the final products will be, so these two went to them for sampling. On occasion, I can be a really thoughtful and generous person. But since that day has passed, don’t ask me any favors until I’m feeling hospitable again (check back with me in three to five weeks).

I mean, I’m already giving you this wonderful recipe. What more do you need?!

So, my dogs know what the peanut butter jar is. They see the red lid and know it’s about to get real. When I started making frosting without giving them any, a coup was forming. I had to stop mid mix and get a spoon out and give them each a little frosting. This is also my advice to you if your dogs have an obsession with peanut butter (thanks, Kong toys). To make a decadent peanut butter buttercream that I honestly think would go great on a sandwich because I have a real problem, you’ll need:

• 1 cup of room temp butter
• 1 cup of peanut butter (I judge you harshly if it’s not Jif)
• 1 tsp of vanilla extract
• 4 cups of powdered sugar
• 4 tbs of heavy cream or milk

I know, there’s no booze in this frosting. I thought about it, but decided whipped vodka might be too much. I didn’t want to sully my newfound bliss with PB&C by getting drunk off my frosting…I’ve got plenty of time for that later when weddings aren’t involved. Cream the butter and peanut butter together until light and fluffy, then add in the vanilla extract, two cups of sugar, and two tablespoons of heavy cream. Blend on low and blend well. Scrape the bowl and add the remaining two cups of sugar and two tablespoons of heavy cream and mixing well.

The drooling you’re currently experiencing brought to you by Kate Bakes Cakes.

Once your cupcakes are fully cooled, load up a piping bag and frost away! I chose to create peanut butter clouds using a 1M tip and just gently applying pressure and allowing for ruffled mounds to build. I finished up by adding gold sprinkles because I’m an adult, and I will add sprinkles to whatever I so please. I actually had a decent amount of frosting leftover (would probably work for 24 cupcakes), so I put it in a Tupperware and placed it in the freezer to keep myself from sitting down and eating it all at once. Screw cookie butter, peanut butter buttercream is my new jam.

Can I eat each half in one bite? Gonna find out…

So I’m pretty sure I’ve made it blatantly clear that these cupcakes are not something you want to miss out on. The Reese’s in the center is the perfect addition to moist chocolate cupcakes with subtle richness, and the peanut butter buttercream is what I imagine regular peanut butter tastes like to my dogs which would explain their infatuation with the stuff. So many years I wasted not eating PB&C and turning my nose up at the stuff. Oh, to be so simple to be humbled by a cupcake. Seriously, keep me fed, allow me nine hours to sleep, never play Taylor Swift music around me, and give me dogs to play with…I have but few needs, but now PB&C gets added to the list. Have I found an new addiction? Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of these cupcakes calling my name from the fridge… ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

“I will ruin you for other cupcakes.”

My husband and I love pirates…you know, the Old World, swashbuckling kind. I’m not sure why we have such an affinity for the pillaging and thievery of the pirates of yore what with him being in the military and me being a disgruntled humble teacher. Maybe it’s the possibility of discovering treasure, sailing the open sea, making enemies walk the plank, or dying of scurvy because you didn’t eat enough citrus fruits? It was just a simpler time, I suppose. Perhaps it’s that my foul mouth would be lauded and probably reward me a pirate queenship? Wench be damned, clearly between my affinity for clever cursing, intelligence, and my hellbent desire for world domination I would be queen! In either case, we decided it was time to have a pirate-themed party. So we did just that last Saturday…had I known people were going to take the theme so literally though (things were set on fire…kitchens were pillaged), perhaps I would’ve hosted an English high tea party instead. Sit quietly in the dining room, discuss the dreary weather, and part ways in under an hour. My kind of party! But since my husband and our friends have a much wilder (read: normal) streak than I do, pirate action was bound to happen. Supply anyone with punch, copious amounts of rum, and a treasure chest full of beer and they’re going to go overboard in more ways than one. I wouldn’t call it a total failure though (rest in peace, patio furniture) because there was cake. Pretty much the only reason I ever go to a party is because I am looking for an excuse to bake, decorate, and share the fruits of my labor with my friends. Once the dessert has been eaten, I tend to sail the high seas back to my own humble estate in the Land of Introvertia. But I do really love a good costume party, so I went full speed ahead with both costume and cake. I had the biggest pirate hat at the party which naturally meant I was in charge. “(S)he who wears the largest hat commands the most men.” -Old Pirate Proverb I just made up. Clearly I had to let me mateys eat cake to keep any attempts at a mutiny at bay.

This is the pinnacle of my cake baking…my white whale, if you will.

It took me seven hours to make this cake from start to finish, but a lot of that was waiting for various frosting layers to freeze before recoating. Either way, this was not a cake for the faint of heart. Even with several years (yes, all two of them) of baking and decorating under my belt I still wanted to jump ship (ha!) about halfway through. But like the most determined of pirates on a quest for whatever it was pirates quested for (I assume rum), I persevered and found me treasure (pirate slang for finishing the cake). Was it worth it? Well, I had decorated the house so well for this party some people thought this was another decoration and didn’t even realize it was a cake. The best of pirates are able to pull trickery and slight of hand, so I once again assume I’d make a great one. But if you’re up for a quest besieged with wit and cunning and dastardly skill, you can make this pirate cake, too. I will warn ye scurvy dog that this makes a ton ‘o cake. Seriously…enough to feed 25 drunk pirates with the bow leftover for you to eat the following day while you contemplate why your floors are so sticky and whether or not there will ever be enough swabbing the deck with a Swiffer to make it better. OCD introverts should never throw parties.

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale…

Catchy theme song lyrics aside, really, follow me on this one–you’re gonna spend a literal boatload of time decorating this cake. You deserve to cheat and make it from the box. Especially since you need to make two cakes for the one ship. I have found in my multiple (still just two) years of serious baking that Betty Crocker is the best cake mix to doctor when you’re feeling lazy. This is going to be a very crummy (as in crumbs, not crappy) cake, so I recommend using chocolate with chocolate frosting to conceal a lot. I made one cake at a time using my cake jacking method: add an extra egg, sub milk for the water, and sub butter for the oil and double the amount. Make sure you are using all room temp ingredients for best blending! Follow box directions to blend. Place each cake into a greased 9×13 pan and bake in the middle of the oven for 30 minutes or until done. Let rest in the pan for 10 minutes before turning each cake onto its own pan lined with non-stick foil. Place in the freezer to cool and harden to make for easier cutting later.

You didn’t think this would be booze free, did you?

A pirate’s cake requires a bit ‘o grog. In this case, Salted Caramel Baileys. I used my favorite chocolate buttercream recipe, but since this is a huge cake, I doubled the recipe and used almost ALL of the frosting. I also substituted the Baileys for the heavy cream; if serving to child pirates, I’d skip that step. If you want to create “waves” around your cake, add the cocoa powder LAST so you can take a decent glob of white frosting to do so before you turn it chocolate with the powder. Once your frosting is made and the cakes are mostly frozen, prepare ye knife fer stabbin’!

And prepare for a crappy photo montage!

 First, level each cake. Then cut each cake into a 6×13 rectangle. Be sure to save all your scraps as you’ll use most of them!

Place your first 6×13 rectangle onto a large cake board and place a glob of frosting on top. Adjust and center the other 6×13 rectangle on top of this.

Then simply trim the front end of the ship (or bow as we pirates call it) to get a nice shape.

There will be crumbs. So many crumbs. So don’t skip the crumb coat step. Place into the freezer to set along with all the other cake scraps (this will help when you need to frost them in a moment). Give this step about 30 minutes.

You’re going to need cake dowels for masts and to keep the cake from falling apart. Now take one scrap and place at the ship’s bow. Trim the sides to even it up with the rest of the front and then coat with a layer of frosting (not pictured). Here’s the tricky part: take a scrap and place it evenly with the back of the ship (stern, ye plebeian). Ensure the edges are even with the rest of the ship’s body/hull; now take another scrap and cut it so it is even with this piece. Place one of these scraps on the stern and frost all sides of this layer. Then take the other scrap you cut and place it slightly to the back of the piece you just frosted.This will create a ledge and cool overhang. Give this a layer of frosting. Trim down two dowels so they will fit flush with the top layer (I hadn’t trimmed mine yet in this picture). Place dowels in the left and right sides of this piece.

Don’t worry, we’ll make it pretty later I promise. Put this in the fridge (my freezer was NOT tall enough for this) to set for a half hour.

Add one final coat of frosting, but I promise this layer will be 10,000 times easier than the crumb coating of all those nooks and crannies.

To create a wooden plank look, take a fork to the side of the cake immediately after you’ve added the final layer of frosting and slowly rake it down the length of the cake. Repeat all over. You can come back in and remove some of the larger chunks of frosting by hand.

But this really gives off a cool effect, so don’t skip this step. It is probably the easiest part of the cake!! Place in the fridge while you make the masts!

I grabbed a couple of sheets of scrapbook paper from Hobby Lobby for this. I trimmed them down to medium squares and punched one hole in the top and bottom of each piece.

Then I slid them onto a cake dowel. The decorating gods were kind to me here–the hole punch was the exact same size as the dowels, so no crying or extra work was required here.

I then measured out all sides of my cake and came back in and drew the correct sizes of railings onto a sheet of Parchment paper. Don’t forget to flip this over! Don’t want people eating Sharpie marker with a side of frosting. Unless you’re trying to sneakily poison your guests like a true pirate.

Melt half a bag of chocolate melts (I used mint, went great with the frosting). Place the melted chocolate into a piping bag fitted with a small round tip (I used a #3). Let this cool off for about 5 minutes to make piping manageable.

Then come back in and pipe over your lines! This is so easy when you’ve got something to trace, I promise. Let this set for about 15 minutes at room temp.

Finally, an excuse to use more Pirouettes.

Remember at the beginning of this tutorial (yes, still the same blog post and everything) when I told you to save some frosting before you added cocoa powder? That’s finally where this comes in. I wanted a swirl of color, so I placed some of the plain white frosting into a piping bag and then dyed the rest blue before placing into another piping bag. Snip the tips and place both bags into a third bag with a #21 tip attached. Then take your remaining chocolate frosting and place into another bag with a #21 tip.

Take the cake out of the fridge and pipe a shell border on the edges like I did here. This creates a platform for your railings! And it makes things look pretty. I love a functioning twofer.

You can chop one Pirouette in half and place each one end-side-out in the side of the cake to create cannons. You’ll need one more half of a Pirouette to complete the trifecta. I piped a circle around them to keep them in place.

Add a final full Pirouette to the front of the cake and then add each mast in (wait to do this until you’re ready to serve unless you have a tall enough fridge to fit it). Gently add each railing into the piped shells, and you’ve got a completed pirate ship!!

But I wanted cool waves. I just piped a trail of shells down the side and back of the cake. I used blue on top of the bag for most and white on top for the back to create a cool wake-like effect. Did I take pictures of that? No. Because I had been on my feet for seven hours and simply forgot. I now understand the phrase “being dead on your feet” quite well.

So we lost a patio chair and I was reminded drunk people can’t be entrusted with nice things, but they will totally eat all your spread of crab dip, a veggie tray with a bell pepper octopus, deviled egg pirate ships, seaweed wraps, and other various piratey foods (including and not limited to a bowl full of lemons to prevent scurvy). They’ll also politely beg you to cut into your damn cake already because they might die if you don’t. And then a hush will fall over your entire house as a bevy of swashbuckling pirates fill their mouths o’ plenty with delicious cake. I will say this doctored Betty Crocker cake combined with the Salted Caramel Baileys was absolute nirvana. It was the “Calgon, take me away!” moment I so desperately needed thanks to the level of discomfort my pirate boots were causing me. I literally wanted to chop my feet off, so now I totally get the benefits of being a pirate with a peg leg (wooden leg, still more comfortable than 6-inch stiletto boots). ‘Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I would definitely walk the plank if cake was involved.